Simple Rules to Sing The Blues...

 

You're not a hypocrite if you wake up at 1pm, but sing "woke up this morning." 

 

"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

"I got a good woman-- With the meanest dog in town."  

 

Blues is simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

"Gotta good woman

with the meanest dog in town",

"She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher

And she weigh 'bout 1000 pounds".

 

The Blues are not about limitless choice.

 

Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable Blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

 

Blues is played mostly with the face. The more you "scrunch" the better the "crunch".

 

Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

 

You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.

 

The following colors do not belong in the Blues:

violet

beige

mauve

 

You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

 

Good places for the Blues:

the highway

the jailhouse

the empty bed

 

Bad places:

Ashrams

Gallery openings

Weekend in the Hamptons

 

No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

 

Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

ONLY if:

your first name is a southern state--like Georgia,

you're blind,

you shot a man in Memphis, or

you can't be satisfied.

 

NOT if:

you were once blind but now can see,

you're deaf, or

you have a trust fund.

 

Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the Blues.

 

If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other Blues beverages are:

Wine (Ripple, MD20/20, etc.)

Any type of whiskey

Muddy water

 

Blues beverages are NOT:

Any fruity drink

Any wine that wasn't made by boiling it

Sports Water (all flavors)

 

If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

 

Some Blues names for Women

Sadie

Big Mama

Bessie

 

Some Blues Names for Men

Joe

Willie

Little Willie

Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

 

Other Blues Names (Mix and Match Starter Kit)

Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)

First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)

Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)  

 

FAQHow many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he just stands there holding up the bulb and the whole world to revolves around him If you threw a violist and a singer off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers) Who cares?   What's the difference between a singer and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Bulbs and Bitches How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and finger his horse. A jazz guitarist dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing.'' What do you see if you look up a producer’s pants leg? A singer.   How do you put a sparkle in a singer's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.   What do you say to a singer at the door? It doesn't matter what you say, she still won't know when to come in and they'll have the wrong key.   What's the difference between a singer and a piranha? Makeup.